I'll be home for Christmas

Since coming here to Toronto General Hospital on December 2, it's been a wild ride. I'm still grappling with loosing Frank. We only had a year together but it's very much like loosing a friend or partner.

Frank wasn't just a kidney. He was a second chance, and an immense source of gratitude. I thought of him in terms of the person he once belonged to.

Those who know me are aware of my quirks- I actually talked to him sometimes. Especially in the first few months post-transplant when he struggled to thrive.

Frank was more than a gift of life. He was hope.

A few days ago I had to see that fade.

But one thing I'll be eternally grateful for is the Toronto General Hospital. Rated #3 hospital in the world- THE FREAKING WORLD 🌎!!! #1 in Canada.

Prior to reviewing Frank my vascular access was failing. After 3 specialist consults with Vascular Surgeons I was told to consider MAID. I was told new fistula were impossible

A new CV port all but unprobable.

It hard to keep hope going on the face of those words of "advice."

I put up a good show of being positive and good humoured. But in that time I struggled. I considered doing it. I felt like garbage. I felt disposable.

I learnt life's hardest lesson. In my marrow. In my soul.

Life is unfair. It owes nothing. And we have no real control.

Frank changed that for me on Thanksgiving weekend 2024. By Christmas 2025, I was home in front of the Christmas tree with my babies and husband.

Frank and his kin blessed me. I had almost a glorious year in the sun. Filled with an inner energy I'd forgotten how it felt. I swam in pools and lakes. I laughed with friends and held hands with my mom.

Dec. 2 I came to Toronto for a one-year post check-up. I knew I was more tired. More nauseous . I knew to expect something.

Dec. 3, I was admitted to TGH. Emergency treatment began. High pulse steriods for 3 days. Gained 20 kgs in less than a week.

Dec. 4, biopsy was scheduled. Plex therapy for four days. Everyday 2 hours of changing out my plasma to be replaced with pure albumin. No clotting. So now I'm bruised like a sweet Georgia peach.

Dec 4.02- bedside surgery installing a jugular PICC line by the ICU team. Hot Spanish doctor. I wasn't sedated or frozen beyond lanocaine and a local injection. No whimps allowed. I DID get to see my jug spurt like it was starring in a scene in Friday the 13th...pretty badass. Five seconds after install I had an X-ray done in bed to check the line was center in my heart; whipped straight for 4 hours of Plex treatment.

Dec. 5-7 Plex. Blood transfers times 3, found out that I am now 💯 antibodies*yay*. Looked up the chances of a matching living donor (1 in 650,000 😱 ) and lastly several million Amazon purchases later.

Dec 11. Biopsy! With a side of complications- new scars and I contributed a core sample of Frank to research.

Dec. 12-13. It's the weekend. Basic bloodwork, psych consult (apparently this hospital cares about how much a stressful situation could impact your mental health and they PREVENTIVLY try to help 😳

Dec. 14. Surprise Franks dead and you're palliative unless a miracle happens and we install a permanent catheter (which is not permanent and lasts as long as it lasts)

Dec. 15: Tests. 24 hr. Infusion of electrolytes.

Dec. 16 -18: various IV infusions attempting to halt renal decline and reverse damage caused by steroid swelling. Currently up another 15 kgs.

Dec. 19. So swollen my feet and ankles are weeping "Angie fluid." My feet have split open like hotdogs on the BBQ and I no longer fit in my oversized crocs.

Dec. 20. First dialysis run. 1 hr long. Didn't die. Yay 🥳

Dec. 21.: Anishnaabe Health brings Elder Dorothy Parker, a drummer and Jungle dress dancer to TGH to see me to feast Winter Solstice and honour me with a healing teaching and dance. An honour I will to try to explain in greater detail in a later post.

Day 2 of dialysis for 2.5 hours and 1 liter of fluid removed. I did well and tolerated treatment again. Huzzah!

Dec. 22.: CV line installed. Amazing surgeon and support staff. Never been so elated. Still in the trenches but the troops have some support. 3.5 hr. Of dialysis on the new line. 2 liters removed.

Dec. 23.: Final dialysis in hospital. I'm surprised to learn I'm going to be released home for the holidays. I'm back in as an outpatient on December 26. And in Toronto for treatment at least 3 days a week until I'm fully stable. I've never been so happy. A frantic day of scrambling later we're eating Christmas eve dinner with my father-in-law and I'm with my family.

Before we leave the city we deliver thank you baskets filled with individual wrapped treats and custom ordered Christmas cookies in packages that say "Thankful AF."

And thankful I am.

For nurses and PCAs and research. Medical ethics that still are upheld. For the kindness of fellow patients who became friends over shared farts and painful incisions. For the kindness of strangers and the love of my kids.

To quote my favourite band The Rolling Stones:

"No, you can't always get what you want...

But if you try sometime you'll find

You get what you need."